Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.
I think one of the hardest things in life is to differentiate between our desire to define and describe our reality as opposed to sensing and accepting the world as it is independent or external to us. I’ve been thinking a lot about my own personal realities over the past weekend, and about what others have professed theirs to be. I don’t know if I have any real sense of clarity about what my own vision is and where it is is conflict with the “one true” reality, but I suppose I have a lot more peace.
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I think one of the hardest things in life is to find something that you’ve been searching for, but find you’ve only found it in part. I think we experience that with our jobs, our friendships, our loves, and even such esoteric things as our cars and our stuff. I think when we’re paying attention to that we often figure out which direction we really need to take in life. Sometimes knowing which paths are closed is as much direction as we get in life. I think knowing that we’ve found a little bit of “Truth” though, even if only for ourselves, is pretty amazing and wonderful though. Life is a sea of uncertainties with a few craggy shoals of real knowledge and absolute perfect light. As I get older I learn to cherish those a little more.
A friend of mine recently told me that she thought I was still struggling with the transition to adulthood, and I think that’s probably right on. I find it hard to disagree, not really knowing what separates children from adults, aside from more scars, bruises, and cautious steps, but I’m sure there is something more. Something I try and have and keep focused on trying to find is compassion for human weakness. I fail all the time, and I think figuring out why I can’t live up to my self rendered ideal is tough and occasionally scary, but I keep walking, one foot in front of the other.
In more esoteric news my friend Matt said his company was hiring, specifically a project lead to lead development on one of his companies in house applications. I’m going to send him my resume and check it out. Things at the share were going so well until they grossly devalued my recent promotion to senior engineer by hiring another one. Two steps forward, three steps back… Or is it the other way round? Time will tell I suppose. (And I suppose so will money.)
I do not ask, O Lord, that life may be
A pleasant road;
I do not ask that Thou wouldst take from me
Aught of its load;
I do not ask that flowers should always spring
Beneath my feet;
I know too well the poison and the sting
Of things too sweet.
For one thing only, Lord, dear Lord, I plead,
Lead me aright–
Though strength should falter, and though heart should bleed–
Through Peace to Light.
I do not ask, O Lord, that thou shouldst shed
Full radiance here;
Give but a ray of peace, that I may tread
Without a fear.
I do not ask my cross to understand,
My way to see;
Better in darkness just to feel Thy hand
And follow Thee.
Joy is like restless day; but peace divine
Like quiet night:
Lead me, O Lord,–till perfect Day shall shine,
Through Peace to Light.
— Adelaide Anne Procter
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Comments
Ahh, if it were only about the money… Though honestly I’ve never felt vastly underpayed here. How’s weight watcher’s treating yah?
-nate
Haha, WW is great. I was trying to provoke ya there, but you didn’t take the bait!
I hear what you’re saying about the dichotomy of happiness in the workplace. I honestly loved working at _________ (is this secret for a reason?). The people and the work were a perfect fit, and I know money is often just icing, but prefer my cake frosted.
Good point, nah nothing secret about “MindShare”(duh duhhh duh duhhh) really, just not angling for top google results on that. 
Yeah I hear you about the icing; I’m definitely open to new opportunities, especially if they were to offer a nice fiduciary reward… I think for me a lot of what I want out of a job is to continue to get new challenges and to get to try new things. I think managing projects on a larger scale, or managing employees more permanently interests me. I’d also be interested to do more full time consulting. I love traveling and I’ve got a decent network of peeps in the industry. One other part of the struggle for me is figuring out where I’d like to live. I’m not sure DC is where I want to stay, and it seems like part of finding a new job would be finding a new place to live and explore.
What do you think of NYC? I’m interested in your choices a bit, because from what little I know of your career, it seems to be similar to mine in interests as far as technology and the craft of programming is concerned. What have been some things you’ve been interested in learning and what are some things you’re looking for in your job or job future?
-nate
I have heard “the share”, as you lovingly refer to it, typically pays very poorly. You should leave.