Why should there not be a patient confidence in the ultimate justice of the people?

Posted by Nate

on April 5, 2007

“I am loath to close. We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battle-field, and patriot grave, to every living heart and hearth-stone, all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.” –The Tall Man

I’ve been struggling with conflicts between what is easiy achievable, what is possible, and what is good in “the short term” vs what I should aim at in the future. It’s been a confusing time in my life in a number of important areas. I’m in a bit of flux at my job right now, and it’s made me aphrensive about how much I should and shouldn’t invest there. Most of the time I feel like to really be the best and happiest me that I can be I should give 100% to whatever I’m currently enaged in. Some of the time I think I need to think about my future more, and how I can spend more time doing what I really want to be doing, and during those times I wonder if I should stop waiting for my job to develop into what I want it to be and go find one that already is. Not the most stressful thing in the world, but it does produce some anxiety for me. When I first started working at my current job we worked on many more progressive non profit sites than we do now, and I really cared about the issues I was helping get out there on a day to day basis more than I do now. The flip side of that is that I feel like the “culture” of the team is becoming more and more focused on the craft of development and programming, which I really like and feel happy about.

[Listening to: Rain - Patty Griffin - 1,000 Kisses (4:08)]

At some point I think I”m going to have to decide if I’m in it for the money, the craft, or to help people and things I care about. And at that point I think I’ll probably know where I should be. For me, it has always been a balancing act between pushing myself to do what I need to do and giving myself the freedom and space to let me inner compass find its bearing. I’ve been talking with a lot of my friends about this, and been approached by a few recruiters that have recently started to bring this into sharper focus.

But really the job thing is just a part of it…A few changes in my personal life recently have really made me wonder as well. It’s hard not to look around and wonder if all the work I’ve put into my career has prevented me from achieving some other things I’ve wanted in life. So many of my friends are married, some have there first child, and it really makes me wonder about my other priorities. Not because I really want to be married, and especially not because I want to have a child, but mostly because those things feel like such tangible examples of peoples priorities and life decisions. I look around at my life outside of work, and while it’s enjoyable, I wonder if I’m taking enough care to make it the life I really want.

Maybe it’s time to think about what San Fransico would be like… Or Portland… Or maybe find somewhere where I can finally have that boat I’ve wanted for so long? There’s a song by Patty Griffin that has really spoken to me recently, “Nobody’s Cryin’,” that I’ve found myself listening to a lot today. It’s a song about heart break, hope, and about how sometimes we have to wrap up our hopes and desires carefully and softly and leave them for later because all we can do right now is cope…

As I’m sittin’ in the taxi for the sky
He’s off to slay some demon dragonfly
And he looks at me, that long last time
Turns away again and I waved goodbye
In an envelope, inside his coat
Is a chain I wore, around my throat
Along with, a note I wrote
Said “I love you but, I don’t even know why”

But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you’re trying
Just have this secret hope
sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There’s an endless rope
And nobody’s crying

Well a long night turns into a couple long years
Of me walkin’ around, around this trail of tears
Where the very loud voices of my own fears
Is ringin’ and ringin’ in my ears
It says that love is long gone
Every move I make is all wrong
Says you never gave a damn for me
For anything, for anyone

But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you’re trying,
Just have this secret hope
Sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There’s an endless rope
And nobody’s crying

May you dream you are dreaming, in a warm soft bed
And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
Make the sound of thousands of angels instead
Tonight where you might be laying your head

I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you’re trying
Still have this secret hope
Sometimes all I do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There’s an endless rope
And nobody’s crying
Nobody’s crying
Nobody’s crying

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